The Five Stages of Drinking
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LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You
get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of
your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this
is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap
fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to
leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your
shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my
friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times!
Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm
cool.".
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now
you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the
way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end
of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking
fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we
could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could
cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit
bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on,
come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete
change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For
last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE
artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch
the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like
his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best
looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to
leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an
...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think
to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few
hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah!
That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting
looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it
work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
tomorrow ...................cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get
your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know
anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across
the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as
recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the
devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at
nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that."
At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue
liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with
fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself,
"Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your
friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO
FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air ,
and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a
bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or
jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they
say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's
like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30,
then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same
prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how
long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little
addition, "and this time, I mean it!"