Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello???" I politely said, "This is Patrick
Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was
slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed
the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the
same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Asshole," and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're
an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was
a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello???" I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show
you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 722-4822.

But there's more to the story

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a
little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle
in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn
and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there's sure a lot of assholes in
this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front.

I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes." Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I
hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and
hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It
just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious
thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1.A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."I yelled "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up.The asshole said,
"Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my
black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called
Asshole #2

He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now
Asshole!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a
tree half a block from Asshole #2's house. There were two guys fighting
out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
It was a nice way to break the boring cycle I had gotten myself into.