These are much more realistic Horoscopes than usual.....

• AQUARIUS (JAN.20-FEB.18): You have an inventive mind and are inclined
  to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are
  inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
  mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
• PISCES (FEB.19-MAR.20): You have a vivid imagination and often think
  you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence
  over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You
  lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small
  animals and pick their noses alot.
• ARIES (MAR.21-APR.19): You are a pioneer type and hold most people in
  contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice.
  You are a prick.
• TAURUS (APR.20-MAY20): You are practical and persistent. You have a
  dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are very
  stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a God Damn Communist.
• GEMINI (MAY21-JUNE20): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
  like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect
  too much for to little. This means you are a cheep bastard. Gemini's
  are very notorious for thriving on incest.
• CANCER (JUNE21-JULY22): You are sympathetic and understanding to other
  people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting
  things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and will not be
  worth a shit.
• LEO (JULY23-AUG22): You consider yourself a born leader. Others think
  you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot
  tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
  are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors alot.
• VIRGO (AUG23-SEPT22): You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
  nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
  and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers or
  pimps.
• LIBRA (SEPT23-OCT22): You are quick witted and the artistic type and
  have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably
  queer. Chances for prestigious employment and monetary gain are
  excellent. Most Libran women are whores. All Librans die of venereal
  disease.
• SCORPIO (OCT23-NOV21): You are shrewd in business and cannot be
  trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
  total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios
  are murdered.
• SAGITTARIUS (NOV22-DEC21): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
  have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The
  majority of Sagittariuns are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you
  alot because you are always getting fucked
• CAPRICORN (DEC22-JAN19): You are conservative and afraid of taking
  risks. You are basically a chicken shit. There has never been a
  Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.