Misc Jokes

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

Why did God create lesbians? So feminists can't breed.
Why did we name it P.M.S.? Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken.
Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing on the road again.
Why did God create woman? It would have been too hard to teach the sheep to cook.
Why did Little Johnny put toothpaste on his penis? He didn't want to get a cavity like his sister.
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money.
Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't? Because he was a little more on.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because there were no chickens in those times.
Why did the fish who was in a hurry hop the back of another fish? He knew he could travel faster on the pike.
Why did the fish get turned down by the army? He failed his herring test.
Why did the guy sleep with his sister-in-law? He had it in for his brother.
Why did the hubcap fall asleep? Because it was tired.
Why did the Indian wear a wig? To keep his wigwam.
Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?  It ran out of juice!
Why did the parakeet fly onto the fish's back? He was looking for a perch.
Why did the poms (English to all yanks reading) invent Soccer? Because only one in twelve can catch a ball.
Why did the Siamese twins go to England?  So the other one could have a chance to drive!
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? To see if she was his type.
Why did they raise the walls around the cemetary? Because people were dying to get in!

Christmas In The White House
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House, Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse. The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed, dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head. And Bill in his sport coat; a heavy gray tweed, had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise, all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys! Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash, "It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow, gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat: He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT! As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came, and Bill recognized them and called them by name.

"Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey Dole    and Pataki, it's time for a bash!" A collective cheer rose out from the crowd, "Let's listen    to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer "Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!" When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot, as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand, and when all was silent, he did a keg stand. And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer, and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room, the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom. "We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!" "More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines. they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap, and they took turns sitting on the President's lap. And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn, and awoke in the morning without their pants on.

And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear. While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer. Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute, President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.

Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots, "A merryClinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"