YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF....

• You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
• You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
• The closest you've ever actually been to a rain forest is a Sting concert.
• You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
• You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
• You would rather have Bill Clinton make your investments than Fidelity.
• You've never had to worry about marginal tax rates.
• You have to use the term "mean spirited" in every sentence when talking about welfare reform.
• You've never been mugged.
• You actually expect to collect Social Security.
• You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
• You have a "Run, Jesse Run" bumper sticker on your diesel Volvo.
• You think the Great Society has actually worked.
• You believe that Mark Furhman planted all of those nasty blood stains.
• You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
• You got teary eyed during the film "The American President."
• You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
• You admired Gary Hart for scoring with that babe, Donna Rice.
• You get goose bumps when Barbra Streisand sings for Bill.
• Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
• You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
• You've tried to get in touch with Hillary's broker.
• Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
• You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
• You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
• You think that Vietnam and Bosnia are two completely different situations.
• You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
• You think that Maggie Thatcher was really Newt Gingrich in drag.
• You like Rolling Stone, but they should really get rid of that PJ O'Rourke guy.
• You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
• You know at least one Vegan.
• You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
• You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
• You actually believe that Clinton has created 4 million jobs.
• You think Capital Formation refers to the Secret Service contingent following Bill on his daily jog to McDonalds.
• You think Maplethorpe's fisting series is "thought provoking."
• You think that the Teamsters are misunderstood.
• You thought that Forest Gump was exploitative.
• You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
• You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heros.
• You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
• You would send your kids to public schools, if they just had better extracurriculars.
• You think Al Gore is the second most powerful person in Washington.
• You spend MLK day listening to James Brown and Kool and the Gang.
• You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
• You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
• You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
• You admire the Swedish welfare system.
• You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
• You think George Stephanopolis is a sexy hunk of man.
• You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
• You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• You tried to get more information from the Surgeon General's masturbation campaign.
• You know that Vince Foster wasn't having an affair with Hillary because no one is that desperate.
• You believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.