The Top 16 Signs You Should Quit Smoking

16> You keep losing lit butts down the hole in your windpipe.

15> That lung in your lap after your last coughing fit.

14> Your name is between "Southeast Asia" and "Europe" on the 1997
Phillip Morris Shareholder's Report.

13> Counting "Camel Points", you're now worth than Bill Gates.

12> You spend more standing time outside of your office building
than the landscaper does.

11> No ashtray option on that monogrammed iron lung you wanted to
buy with your Marlboro Points, anyway.

10> You're no doctor, but "Cancer of the Cancer" doesn't sound
like good news.

9> Elbow-length nicotine stains now function as gloves for your
evening gown.

8> You're a neo-left-wing NEA funded performance artist in the
Mapplethorpe tradition, but you wish everyone would get off of
Jesse Helm's back about this tobacco thing!

7> 1977: Miss Teen Ohio. 1997: Runner-Up, Marge Schott Look-Alike
Contest.

6> You've convinced yourself that tobacco counts as a serving of
vegetables.

5> Motorized tie rack retrofitted with donor lungs mounted on your
left arm.

4> Before entering prison, the notion of trading your virginity
for a pack of Camels would never have occurred to you.

3> No takers for your new invention, the Shower Ashtray.

2> Constantly bitching about the No Smoking policy in the
Neo-Natal ICU.


and the Number 1 Sign You Should Quit Smoking...


1> After you sneeze, your hankie looks like a Dalmatian.